文书写作精彩案例(一)

2007年4月16日

责任

摘要:

  各人陈述(PS)是留学文书不可缺少的一部分。这部分内容说简单不简单,说难又不难。但偏偏有很多人翻船。在张炜超老师经手的所有案例中,做文书因为英文不好而失败的几乎没有-如果不会写,再不会抄,那就干脆别出国了。绝大多数的失败者都是因为不了解PS的实质;不知道如何用短短的几十句话,把自己最好的一面展现给对方。

  这里,我们列举一些炜超老师的经典案例以示读者。(在本期”文书写作精彩案例”中,我们给出学生原文和点评,在下期“文书写作精彩案例2”中,我们将刊登经炜超老师修改的PS。)

My dream of becoming an expertise in biology dates back to my elementary school where I managed one small garden for four years, a beautiful place, full of flowers, bees, birds and willows. After my class activities, I used to run into the garden and sit on a big stone watching all the birds playing in the trees and bees singing in the flowers. To a little 10-year-old child, such as I was then, the leaves and flowers looked so bright and happy. Oscar Wilde once said, "Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." It is true. With this lovely memory in my mind, I did not hesitate to choose the biology as subject of my major studies before I entered the university for higher education.

  点评:很美的一段话,申请者语言能力也很不错,看起来很是舒服。但是仔细推敲一下,这个能成为你大学选择专业的一个必要的理由吗?即便可以,在过渡上也太过于突兀。
 
My first exposure to the biological research started when I joined the field exercise group during my freshman year to explore one of virgin semitropical forests, Shennongjia Nature Reserve Area. This old place has stricken me with its wildest scenery, majestic mountains, vast expanses of thick forest, and with its more than 2500 species of wild plants and animals. The whole project, as an ecological research, includes analyzing the distribution of various bacteria species collecting soil samples at different altitudes, identifying the main plant species grown in the mixed evergreen and deciduous broadleaved forest at elevation of 1100-2000 m.
  
  点评:项目介绍的不错,可是你在哪呢?


Then, in 2004, I was assigned to the head of independent research group, working on the project “Biocontrol the rice sheath blight pathogen with siderophores from Pseudomonas fluorescens”. Siderophores, a secondary metabolite and a high-affinity iron-transport molecule, produced by Pseudomonas fluorescens would inhibit the growth of the rice sheath blight pathogen by competitively combining iron, which is necessary for pathogen growth. The whole project would be divided into two parts: first, we used the chrome azurol S (CAS) assay for detecting and determining microbial siderophores qualifiedly, then respectively, experimented on the media, seeds of rice, and plants. The result showed that the siderophores produced by the strain of Pseudomonas fluorescens isolated from East Lake (located in Wuhan City, China) inhibit the growth of pathogen. Through working on this project, I know deeply that creating the atmosphere of cooperation would play a critical part in one success of the whole group.

  仍然是在说项目,你到底在哪里?
 
However, the most rewarding project is to join in the State Key Laboratory of Virology as a research assistant during my junior year, in which I learned a tremendous amount about biological research, and I gained useful exposure to the world of nature.


In 2003, severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), a newly emerging infectious disease caused by a novel variant of corona virus, has spread all over China. During that time, death, fear, and the pain of separation, together, struck everyone in my homeland. Several programs in our laboratory were put in place to clone and express viral proteins that could be used both as reagents and in vaccine studies. I participated one project, concerning identification and characterization of SARS Corona virus Replication Protein nsp 14. Through this project, I began to not only master some basic techniques involving in researches, Primers designing, Immunoblot, cell-culture cultivation, RNA extraction, Plasmid constructs, but also know rapid response research when one epidemic happens, identifying and sequencing viruses, characterizing the disease, developing animal models of infection.


Then, in the first semester of the senior year, I began to be an assistant for the program “Inhibition of HIV Virus Replication by RNA Interference”, which exposed me to not only some cutting-edge fields, gene therapy, the technique of RNA Interference and lentiviral vectors, and the acute disease of HIV, but the principle of scientific researches and life__Trap and break through. During the past two decades, enormous efforts have been undertaken to elucidate the mechanisms of genetic regulation and biochemical function of each viral protein, to find the molecular basis of the pathogen, and to develop strategies to block replication and dissemination of the virus. The results do have contributed to the control of the devastating effects of HIV. However, limitations also block the progress, non-eradicating the virus, strict adherence to the drug regimen, the ability of virus to evade elimination by the immune system as well as continuous mutations in the HIV-1 genome caused by high error rate of viral reverse transcriptase. However, limitations cannot block the hope and efforts of people. To the contrary, they become the goals we fight for. Researchers find genetic intervention at different points of the HIV life cycle, and develop new techniques like RNA Interference, and new vectors to seek for a favorable turn. It is this point that I am fascinated with biochemical researches__-trap and break through.

  点评:项目很不错,能写这么多英文也够牛的了。


Now, I am acutely aware that, in the field of biochemistry and molecular biology, there are still so many difficult important subjects and challenging waiting for solution, although we have known some essence and details of the basic process in biochemistry, such as the DNA replication, transition in the evolution of life among DNA, RNA and proteins. The elucidation of the mechanisms of molecular lesions at the biochemical level finally would solve some fatal diseases such as hemophilia, cystic fibrosis. Rational design of new drugs based on the understanding of enzymes involving in the replication of viruses such as human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) would rescue thousands of people and their families.
 
Taking into consideration my foundation and my interests, graduate school is the next logical step. At this point in my life, I consider The PhD study to be necessary since I need to gain a broader understanding of biology and to sharpen my analytical skills in order to be successful in future scientific research. So, in the next five to six years, I decide to obtain knowledge and training by earning a PhD degree in your program. 


Your program is very appealing to me for your free air in research, good reputation and outstanding achievements made in my target field of biochemistry, especially those innovative programs and courses. Besides, extensive work and model studies on several areas such as molecular biology and microbiology have been carried out, such as viral and cellular mechanisms of integral protein carried by Prof. Summers, Expression of adhesion molecular carried by Prof. Moyes and gene regulation carried by Prof. Hall, which attract me deeply, since I intend to conduct research in these areas; I consider your program an ideal place for me to conduct in-depth and meaningful work.

  点评:写的很详细,连教授的名字都写上了,可见她还是看了教授的材料的,但是这样你也就只能被这几个老师收,如果这些老师不喜欢你呢?一个字―“折”


After achieving this goal, I hope to combine the Western research methodology and philosophy and my experience in China to broaden my horizon and become a leading person for China’s biology development. Most importantly, I expect my research group would to be a part of the worldwide network of biochemistry, connecting China and the world, because, the key to develop strategies to treat and control the pathogen, as far as I see, lays on a top-down management approach, with a clear division of tasks among relevant institutions and organizations and clear accountability.
 
 


  整体来看,分段太多,显得没有重点。申请文书贵在重点突出,让人能一幕了然,如果弄得太复杂,没有人愿意去给你分析文章内容的。另外整个文章写出来就像一个个人的简历扩充。另外这个ps就像一个项目简介。找不到太多申请者的信息,这能不失败吗?


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